O Me Of Little Faith

There are mornings that I wake up and the adoption is all I can think about. The what ifs- the worries- the whens. Being type A and adopting DO NOT always mix well. Half the battle is just not knowing. But God never ceases to amaze me. He always sends comfort when I need it most. And it seems to come in waves, too- several things at once. The last few days have been a perfect example of that comfort. On Saturday night, we finally got around to measuring for beds to go in Levi and Andrey's rooms. We're refinancing the house and will be getting some money back at closing, so we thought we'd use some of that money for their room. Now I usually do enough worrying for the both of us, but this one got Josh's goat. Money, money, money. But they needed beds. And our purchase was very frugal. We did all our shopping online at WalMart.com (free shipping site to store). The next day, my parents called and said they wanted to buy the beds for us. God is good. Money is a concern, but the concerns of a mother may be more internal. I worry that the boys will feel out of place here- that they will feel like no one understands them (language and culture). On Tuesday, I was searching the k12 directory for other home school families in the area- thinking of Levi and Noah. One family jumped off the screen. Their 15 year old daughter's bio said, "born in Ukraine- speaks Russian." I emailed them right away. Turns out they adopted their daughter three years ago and they live about 30 minutes away. God is good. I worry and once again, God says, "I've got it all under control- cut it OUT!" The same day, 7 pieces of the puzzle sold and we received confirmation that our i600a was at USCIS being reviewed! God is good.

I am no different than the children of Israel. No matter what God does for me, I choose worry over trust almost every time. I know God is using His refiner's fire through this process to change me. Beyond a fundraiser, this puzzle is a constant reminder that God sees the big picture for our family. He is bringing us together piece by piece in His way and in His time. Shame on me for every fret and fear. May His perfect love cast out all fear within me! I am humbled that He chooses to love this doubtful daughter.

I love this Nickel Creek song. If you haven't heard it, you MUST. Here are the powerful lyrics:

"Doubting Thomas"

What will be left when I've drawn my last breath
Besides the folks I've met and the folks who've known me
Will I discover a soul-saving love
Or just the dirt above and below me

I'm a doubting Thomas
I took a promise
But I do not feel safe
Oh me of little faith

Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face
Then I beg to be spared cause I'm a coward
If there's a master of death
I bet he's holding his breath
As I show the blind and tell the deaf about his power

I'm a doubting Thomas
I can't keep my promises
Cause I don't know what's safe
Oh me of little faith

Can I be used to help others find truth
When I'm scared I'll find proof that it's a lie
Can I be led down a trail dropping bread crumbs
That prove I'm not ready to die

Please give me time to decipher the signs
Please forgive me for time that I've wasted

I'm a doubting Thomas
I'll take your promise
Though I know nothin's safe
Oh me of little faith