In the Thick of it

No energy to write an essay this morning. We are in the thick of it. Public school for the first time in four years. First time football player from Ukraine. Three boys in soccer. One in LEGO First League. One playing legos. Fifteen students in my home studio. Hubby's taking classes for his doctorate at OU. Translating homework, expectations and emotions. Art commissions for Josh. Mission trip fund raising. Lack of sleep. Loads of prayer. Would appreciate being added to your prayer list. We knew this would not be easy. We were not stupid enough to think otherwise. Would love to be covered in prayer instead of looked at like a freak. Sometimes I think people don't know what to make of us, so they just ignore us altogether. Faith means stepping out on a path you're unsure of, trusting that God will provide. I've never once before in my life stepped out in faith like this. It is not easy and it would be lovely to know that we have a cheering section behind us. Successful moments for sure. Disheartening moments, too. Learning the meaning of the words, "His grace is sufficient." Getting beyond the drama of today and leaning on the hope of tomorrow.

Summer Update

It's Friday the 13th, but I'm not scared. Living with four boys, I've seen it all. Here we are, nearly six months into our new family, and I can say with confidence that the "we" we were is slowly disappearing. Noah used to hesitate when referring to his brothers as his brothers. Yesterday, it rolled off his tongue at the eye doctor. "My brother Andrey likes to play that game." It seemed so natural. So does the arguing. Levi and Andrey got into it last night because one of them said the other was playing "like a girl." The wii fell to the floor, alerting Mom and Dad. "I got this," Josh said as he slid off the bed and into the living room, casually. There used to be a lot of stress whenever an argument would begin because we all didn't know one another too well and we weren't sure what each others reactions would be. Now we are more comfortable to let down our guards and just figure it out. There were only three boys home for the evening as Ruslan was "out with the guys"...again. Having a teenager is new for this family. The first few times he went out I felt like I was holding my breath until he came back. Now it feels routine. I am forever grateful that we have a community who has embraced Ruslan. He is fitting in as I never imagined he could, so early into this adjustment. He finished summer school English and did very well, for a first American classroom experience with NO ESL support. Now, he's working out three mornings a week with the football team. He hopes to be the kicker and possibly a running back. In a week, he'll go on a trip with our youth group to Colorado to climb mountains. I think he may have climbed a bigger mountain than anyone on that trip just by making the decision to join our family. I am so very impressed with him. So very proud. Andrey is having a busy summer, as well. First, he attending a three day basketball clinic at the high school. He wasn't crazy about it, but it got him out of the house. Then, my parents paid for he and Levi to attend a week long soccer camp in Texas. They stayed with Grammy and Grandpa, where Andrey had the chance to get to know them better. Grandparents are such a blessing! After soccer camp, he had one day to rest and then it was off to Camp J.A.M. with Levi and many other kids from our church. He's never one to admit having a good time, but I think he did. He at least enjoyed swimming, which he begs to do every day. Then we took a trip to Texas where they were finally able to meet and get to know my brother Steve and his wife Sarah. I stood there watching Andrey interact with them and the dogs in amazement. Here was this kid who could hardly say hello when first he came to America. Now he is open enough to show his true personality on the first day of our visit. It brings tears to my eyes to know he's feeling that comfortable. Next week, he'll attend Chickasaw language camp with Josh and a few weeks later, he'll have another soccer camp here in Ada, at which Ruslan will be coaching. Levi and Noah have been busy as well with various camps and time with Grandparents. Mom and Dad keep busy getting them to and from all of these opportunities...and cleaning up the messes and typical sibling arguments in between. We have definitely had our moments this summer, as we are all still adjusting. I'm just happy to say that they are fewer and farther between, that we feel more equipped to deal with them now and that we are no longer allowing them to control our emotions. I am so grateful for the progress we have made. God is faithfully guiding us through this thing. That doesn't mean it's easy. We very much need your prayers and encouragement. Thank you to those of you who check on us regularly and include us in your prayers. You have no idea how much it means. We are forever grateful for your support.

There is a Ghost in our House

The journey of adoption requires flexibility...in fact, sometimes I feel like I'm walking through life, bent over backwards. It's like saying hello to what you want while simultaneously saying good-bye to what you had. There is a ghost in our house. A ghost of the family we used to be. And sometimes it haunts me. Four years ago, we made the decision to home school Levi (for many reasons, to varied to mention). It was not something I ever imagined doing...and yet I found myself teaching the third grade...and learning more about my son than I ever knew before. When Noah became school age, I had the honor of hearing him sound out his first words. It was a beautiful experience, watching them learn about the world around them. There were a few rough moments, but overall, it was wonderful to be able to see so much of them. Today was our last day of home school. We have made the decision to put all four boys in public school next year. It's definitely the right decision for our Ukrainian boys...and we feel strongly that it's the right decision for our whole family. The pressure and stress of this adoption has been a lot for me to bare. If it's been difficult on me, a grown up, I cannot imagine how it's felt to the four boys involved. We pray that giving them their own space in the world, away from the constant adjustment to our new family, will help the bonding process at home be less intense. It's just one change we've had to make. One of so many. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about how much easier and different it would be if we were still the family we were. But the joys of our triumphant days far outweigh any sadness that lies in our hearts as we learn to bend a little further. The pressure we are feeling now is surely from His hands- the potter, molding the clay. And taking a new shape can be exhausting. But in the end, we hope we look more like Him. About three weeks ago, we turned a corner in a big way. I feel like we're seeing glimmers of hope that this will feel like a real family for all involved one day. Walls are coming down...walls that obstructed the view of who we all really are. When we can truly see one another, it's so much easier to exist together and to learn how to love. It will surely be a long, winding road for us all, but four months into this thing and I feel like I am beginning to see the light. I pray that the flexibility we are committing to now will pay off big time in the lives of our boys down the road. I pray that we are all learning what real family is and that our boys are learning what a real father is. I pray that God will use this winding road to lead us all to our eternal home, encouraging others along the way. I pray for the strength to say good-bye to the family we were...and the weakness to become the family He wants us to be.

Family Tree

Our family tree has changed a little this year. I'm grateful for the new branches. Andrey drew this family tree as an assignment for school. He let me keep it in exchange for an apple. He loves apples. He would eat 10 a day, if we'd let him. He had already had his one apple for the day. But he's a smart boy and knows how to strike a deal. I still think I got the better end of that deal, but he was happy. The new family photo was taken on Easter in my in-laws home. Getting four boys to all smile (with no goofy faces) was quite a task. I'm grateful that my husband was up for the challenge. "Smile- or no allowance this week!" Say cheese!

Soccer Sons

Soccer season is in full swing! We're at the soccer field around 6 days a week, lately. I'm thankful there are opportunities for them to play. Soccer seems to be an international language. All four of our boys are playing!

Hinson Happiness

Tonight he is chattering. He is goofy and grinning. There seems to be a general feeling that has filled the house. I think they call it "happiness." It's not that there aren't moments like this often, but this "moment" seems to have lasted all day and I am so pleased. It makes all those unpleasant moments worth while. We see a glimpse of our dream- a united family. We are not fooled into thinking it's a permanent view, but we are grateful for the snapshot. We will hold it close to our hearts.

It's the little things like good-nights. You'd think it wouldn't be a big deal, but they have been reluctant to say good-night to us. We always say goodnight to one another in our family. I don't know if this was just a new experience for them or if they held back because they didn't want to belong. Maybe they were just too cool for school. But tonight, as Noah made the rounds- "Goodnight, Dad. Goodnight, Bubba. Goodnight, Mom..." I heard "Goodnight, Noah" come from the other side of the room...before he had even approached them.

Something else happened this week that I will forever treasure. They began to fight...in English. They didn't even realize they were doing it. After a few moments, I began to laugh. "Why you laugh, Mom?" I explained to them what they were doing and they just stared at me, almost in shock. They didn't realize they were doing it, either. Later that night, Ruslan told Josh that he has been thinking in English a little, too. We are determined for them to maintain their Russian and have no desire to strip them of their language, but learning our language is one way to "belong" here. It fills my heart to hear them expressing themselves and actually understand what they're saying!

Another snapshot from the week was watching Ruslan hoist Noah into the air, in a playful, loving way. The smiles and giggles on my seven year old baby's face were precious. It's been tough on my littlest guy- this adjustment. We pray everyday for bonding to occur. I love it when I see my prayers being answered right in front of my eyes.

Andrey and Ruslan have a precious relationship. I love watching them interact. I love being invited into that relationship on occasion. Andrey's personality is really coming into full view. While we thought we were adopting a quiet child, it turns out that he may be the most talkative of the bunch! Noah's Chickasaw name is Labaachi', which means "talks all the time". While Andrey was on one of his talking sprees, Ruslan pointed at him and called him "Labaachi' II". We were rolling!

It takes Levi and Andrey over an hour to get to sleep. We hear them talking through the living rooms walls. Instead of being angry, I am grateful. It takes Ruslan forever to go to his room. At bedtime, he is suddenly struck with the desire to talk endlessly to Mom and Dad. Instead of being mad, I am amused. It's difficult to be angry when your heart is so full. God is good. They are home, and tonight, they are happy. We're all happy.

Big Bad Day

About two weeks ago, we got a letter in the mail that our oldest had an appointment with USCIS to obtain his US citizenship certification. I was so excited! I told the boys we would not have school that day and we would celebrate! We made our plans and waited eagerly. In my mind, we were going to a court room with a kind judge who would smile kindly down at our new son and begin to recite an oath. Ruslan would raise his hand and repeat the oath through his thick, Ukrainian accent and the judge would pronounce him a US Citizen. Ruslan would be overjoyed at his new allegiance. He would pose proudly with the American flag. Perhaps a bald eagle would fly by a nearby window.
Ha!
Here's what REALLY happened.
"Get up! Get up now! We have to be there at 9 a.m.!"
"We might have time for breakfast on the road if you hurry up and get dressed!"
In the drive thru- "What do you mean you have to go to the bathroom? Didn't you go at home?" "No. I didn't need to go then." (my 7 yr old)
"No you can't have my iphone. Your brother has it...yes, I know he's had it forEVER. You can have it on the way back!"
"Hurry inside! We have 3 minutes!"
Musical chairs in the waiting area as one by one, all of our children began to pick on or be picked on by one another for the next hour...while we wait. "Look straight ahead of you. Count the tiles on the ceiling. Chew some gum. Day dream! Read a book!"
Then it happened. We were called to a window, where a man through glass explained what papers Ruslan had to sign, messed up, and apologized. No oath. No judge. No flag. No bald eagle. Wa wa wa
We made the boys (both of them) pose by the American flag in the waiting area. They refused to be serious. Then they refused to smile. Both our American boys were workin' my last nerve, too and I took off for the car like a mall walker.
Once I calmed down, I used google translate to say something like, "I am your mom now and I am proud of your accomplishment today. Moms take pictures when they are proud of their children."
They just looked at me.
Shattered dream?
Well, what was I thinking? They've been here all of 8 weeks. They're hardly over the culture shock, I'm sure! They don't love their new country like I do because it's their NEW country. It's not home yet. Just like they're getting used to our family, they're getting used to their new land. It's a big deal to me because I understand and appreciate the benefits of being an American citizen. It's a boring deal to them because it was a long time to wait in a boring room to sign a fancy piece of paper that they can't even read and understand.
Lesson learned.
Big day? Bad day? Big bad day.
BUT, it's one less paper we have to sign! Hooray! (confetti)

A Beautiful Thing

We have been together for a little more than six weeks now. Because we are a home school family, this means a literal six weeks. There have been only a few hours here or there for church/youth group activities that we have actually been apart. I understand the need for some families to place newly adopted kids in school right away, but I also feel that our crowded house insures that we are getting to know one another quickly, warts and all. On one side of the living room, you can hear my seven year old son subtracting (LOUDLY). On the other side, you can hear Andrey repeating his Rosetta Stone sentences, "What are you doing? I am reading a newspaper." In one bedroom, there is the muffled sound of Russian rap coming from Ruslan's headphones as he completes a worksheet. In another, there are the frustrated complaints of the eleven year old who needs TOTAL SILENCE and doesn't think that's too much to ask. Moments like these can be frustrating, but this is our family, living and breathing, learning about one another and figuring out how to coexist. It's a beautiful thing for this Mom to behold. And then there are the moments you dare not photograph, for fear they will stop doing what you wanted to capture on film- swinging together in the backyard, laughing at something only adolescent boys find funny, practically lying across one another on the couch or (my favorite) spontaneously hugging little brother Noah. These moments feel like little hugs from heaven.

Of course, in the middle of it all, I'm cooking, cleaning and washing the never-ending laundry. I love caring for my boys. There is nothing that gives me more pleasure than knowing their needs are met. I love that now it's not a new idea to Ruslan and Andrey. The first few weeks, they were volunteering to help me at every turn. (not that they don't have chores- because they do) But now, they recognize that some jobs are Mom's job. They don't stare anymore. They don't protest. They let me "mother" them.

In short, things are going very well. We have had our moments FOR SURE. There have been difficult days, but nothing we cannot overcome with the strength of God. Thanks for checking on us, praying for us and making the boys feel welcome in our community. We are making it one day at a time. God is forever faithful.

Hinson Happenings

Tomorrow, our family has been together for three weeks. In many ways, that feels like a short time and in a few ways, it feels like an eternity. The first few days were full of new things. Then things seemed to "normal" out and we got into a sort of routine, with home school and my studio starting back up. Every now and then, things pop up that are "new" again, and in a way that is refreshing. Mealtime is always interesting. Just like any kid, they both have likes and dislikes. Unfortunately, you can never tell when they are joking or not. "This is very bad." (as he pops one after the other in his mouth) And even though we American's LOVE our food, we are always reminded that they are not American-made and often miss the food of their home land. I have made borscht once already and plan to do it again soon. Ruslan cooked a meal for us, as well and has made Ukrainian salad at a few dinners, too. The boys both love to help in the kitchen, or at least to hang out in the kitchen while I'm cooking. When there's noise in the kitchen, they come meandering in and grab a stool. I love it, as it also leads to wonderful conversations. By the way, their English is coming along nicely. They are using Rosetta Stone, but surrounded by the language has been the best thing for them. They often ask one another to finish a thought when they cannot think of a word. And charades has become more than a game to us- more like a way of life!

The main reason I am continuing this blog is to inspire and inform other families going through this journey. However, it is not always appropriate to share details- who said what, etc. It is not in the best interest of the children. I will say, however vaguely, that we have encountered a few issues blending siblings. We knew going into this that it would be a difficult adjustment, particularly because we are blending out of birth order. So far, nothing catastrophic, but there have been tears and bruised egos. I find myself feeling empathetic in so many different directions. "Of course that hurts your feelings...on the other hand, in his culture, this is acceptable behavior." Communication, one on one, is crucial. I try to find moments in the day (and they usually occur naturally) when I can "check in" on each boy. My friend Karen once told me that when you have four kids, one of them will inevitably be unhappy each day. She was right. If it's not one kid, it's another! I find it difficult to accept this because of my personality, but I must say, being thrown into the deep end is forcing me to swim! It's amazing what the process of adoption did for my tolerance level and my patience! And thank goodness they are boys! They get mad and then they get over it!

Almost every night after dinner, Andrey asks, "Tonight family game?" We should really be featured on the next add for the Wii family game night. We have a tournament maybe 5 nights a week. It's something everyone enjoys. Something else they enjoy is going to the store. They lived in a nice sized city and were used to riding the bus and going wherever they pleased. Living in the country, we do not go into town each day, and they miss that. So trips to the store are exciting. They especially love the Doller stores. We introduced them to the concept of allowance. We tithe 10%, save 10% and spend the rest as we choose. They were eager to start saving and very willing to tithe. They also love keeping in touch with their friends back in Ukraine. While we limit skype to the weekends only, we are grateful for sites like Facebook which allow them to communicate with friends back home. I am also grateful that this allows them to communicate with new friends here in Ada. And thank God for google translate! Copy and paste is a great way to have a conversation online. They ARE making American friends. Our youth group and youth minister have been such a blessing! I've said it before about many other big events in life, but it really applies here- I do not know HOW you would adopt children of this age group without church family. They are such a support is so many, many ways! My family does not live here, but my husband's does and they have been a huge support, as well.

We are in the midst of making educational decisions for all four of our boys, so I would appreciate your prayers regarding that, as well. It is a challenge home schooling them, but it is even more of a challenge trying to get them into public school in little ol' Ada, Oklahoma. There is ZERO ESL support here. For now, we are looking at bettering their English and reevaluating public school options in the Fall.

Well, this tired Mama is signing off for now. I hope this update was informative- probably not inspiring. I'm too tired at the end of the day to remember many of those moments- but THEY ARE THERE. And my heart is always full when I go to sleep at night. God is faithful.

First Family Days

I will do my best to update the blog periodically as we adjust to life as a family. If it might be helpful to any families who choose this path, then I will try to make it a priority. The first thing I will say is that the airport can be an overwhelming experience before you even hit the baggage claim. We only had my husbands parents there and still the first sentence they said was, "Let's go." From the 9 1/2 hour flight to the longggg wait at passport control, they were exhausted. (not to mention their flight to London the night before and their exploration of the city) Then, to make the day longer, we had a 3 hour drive home to Ada. Still, I think it was better that we came directly home. They were glad to be done with travel all together. A night in a hotel would've just lengthened their trip.

I am grateful that meeting the dogs went well. Ruslan is not crazy about Brimley, but seems to have grown to like him. They both love Rocky. Pets can be a problem for some adopted children. I am grateful that our boys seem to like them. Andrey is especially attached to them. It's nice to see him interact with them. When English gets to be too much, he can speak to them in Russian and they don't look at him funny.

Our boys are unique because they did not spend all of their time in an orphanage. They lived in a transitional facility for some time and learned about chores and other responsibilities. Every time I begin to prepare a meal, they are both in the kitchen, eager to help. I understand from other adoptive families that this can be problematic. I am grateful that it's not for us. I have a chart with specific responsibilities for all four of our boys during the week. I showed it to them and they understood almost immediately.

We did manage to make it to church our first Sunday as a family of 6! We explained to the boys that they needed to be polite and say hello when people greeted them. You have to understand, it's not that they're rude, but it's very overwhelming being greeted by strangers in a language that you don't speak. They were very gracious to those who said hello. Worship was a bit much, though (imagine sitting for an hour, listening to singing and speaking that you cannot understand). So, it was fine that they decided to say hello to the youth group and then leave. Our youth minister told the boys that the youth group would play soccer that night. They were excited about that. Ruslan said, "I don't need translator. Soccer my translator!" And although I was hesitant to leave them, I wanted to follow their lead. They were okay being left, so we left them and went on to our home team. (small group) Two hours later, we show up, worried that maybe it's been too long, and they're having the time of their lives, playing soccer, showing off their skills. Two happy boys came home, laughing and joking all the way. I'm so thankful that they have begun the process of making American friends. It will help make their transition more smooth, for sure and it was good for our younger boys to have a break from the translation game we play all day long.

Because we home school, I gave our bio boys the day off of school Thursday and Friday. We will start back to school for them as usual tomorrow. And I have a five day plan for ESL this week for Ruslan and Andrey. We're going to start simple and see where they're at. When I told them we would start school tomorrow, Andrey said, "No school! No!" But I explained that learning English is important to communicate with the kids at church. They both agreed. We'll see how it goes.

So that's the update for now. We appreciate your continued prayers for the boys (all four of them) and us.

Just a Glimpse

Just a glimpse of our new family.
Many thoughts brewing, but no post for now.
Just enjoy the view...

Coming Home!

Praise God! They got their visas and they're coming home on Thursday! Please continue to pray for their safety and comfort as they travel. This will be the boys first flight ever. They will fly to London first, then Dallas the next day. Both experienced motion sickness on the bus. I'm hopeful that the airplane will not present similar challenges.
We are so ready to have them home and so grateful to God that it will be soon!

Halfway There...

Livin' on a prayer these days. Josh has had a very long day today. He picked up the court decree early this morning. Then he picked up the boys birth certificates. Then he checked Andrey out of the orphanage and Ruslan out of the technical school. There were some emotions to deal with, saying good-bye to the place of their birth. I am thankful that God provided him with the opportunity to parent them through this. What a blessing! Then they took a car to Donetsk and got their passports. He said it was a long day for the boys in the car. Well, now they're on a train for what feels like FOREVER. Praying for their "cabin fever." The train arrives in Kiev at 7 in the morning. Their appointment at the US embassy is at 8! Praying for Josh to have the ability to sleep on the train! If the US embassy is able to issue their visas on Tuesday, then they will leave for London on Wednesday. If they are not able to issue their visas that day, then we have a problem. The US embassy is closed Wed-the weekend due to a move in their location. So if that problem occurs, no flight home until next week. Praying for a speedy process and understanding US embassy employees. God is good. I have faith that they will be home in HIS time and that has proven to be way better than my time, so I will trust Him.

If they leave Wednesday, I am so excited for them to have one day in London to explore a little. They've never been out of Ukraine. I'm sure London will be very exciting for them! It was for our boys. Thank you for your support, concern and interest. We need your continued prayers for the process and for the changes which are about to occur in our family.

Is This Your Son?

While we were falling in love with our new sons in Ukraine, we were falling in love with this face, too. Meet Misha Dermelyov. Misha was born June 9, 1997. He was diagnosed with Hirschprung disease and had two surgeries within in the first year of his life. Because of these surgeries, he has a disability status, but you would never know it to look at him! Misha lived with his mother and two elder sisters until his mother died from a heart attack in 2009. He then lived with one of his sisters until she died from heart complications. His other sister has also passed away. In August 2010, Misha came to orphanage #1 in Mariupol. Tanya, the director of the TLC where Ruslan lives, has developed a relationship with Misha and has been given permission to bring him to the TLC on the weekends. He also attends church services with her.

Our focus in Mariupol was definitely bonding with Ruslan and Andrey. But Misha seemed to weasel his way into our hearts very quickly. He is very sociable. He came into our room as much, if not more, than the boys. He is always eager to help out, always has a smile on his face and is eager to learn new things. Our hearts just ache at the thought of what the future may NOT hold for this young man. He needs a family. There's a part of me that wishes that family was our family, but we don't even qualify for another child in our home (through international adoption). It became clear to me that there are a million Misha's in the world, but this was the one God had put in front of me. I could either choose to shake my head and walk away or I could be his voice.

Back when we began our adoption process, I wrote a song. The chorus said,
"I'm singing for those without a melody. I'm singing for those without a voice. I'm singing for those without a choice. Lord, let me sing!"

I sang that from the bottom of my heart many times. And now, knowing this young man, I am convinced that he is a direct answer to that request. "Lord, let me sing!" Adopting Ruslan and Andrey doesn't mean walking away from the fatherless. It means always remembering them.

If you find yourself staring at this face, wondering if God is calling you to your son, please contact me and I will do everything in my power to help you through the adoption process. It's an enormous headache with a million obstacles...and it's totally worth it!

If Misha is not your son, pray for him. Pray that God will give him a bright future, a family and a home. Pray for Tanya and the other staff members at the TLC in Mariupol who reach out to kids like Misha and introduce them to Jesus Christ. Please consider sponsoring kids like Misha at jeremiahshope.org. I've seen the way this ministry works. It's a beautiful thing.

Waiting...again

I'm back in America, doing something very familiar to me in this process- waiting. We passed court last Monday. After court, there is a 10 day wait for birth certificates and other documents. Once they've received those (which should be Friday, but you never know with Ukraine), Josh and the boys will head to Kiev to complete the US Embassy side of things. We were made aware that the US Embassy has a several days off for a holiday that week, so it may slow us down. Please join us in bold prayer that they can finish all our documents on Monday, the 16th so that Josh and the boys can fly home as early as the 17th. Josh has been away from Levi and Noah for almost a month now. Needless to say, they are ready to have their Daddy back...and to have their new brothers home with them. Andrey had to go back to the orphanage today. I am very sad about that, but there is nothing to be done about it. Please pray for his time there not to create too much of a deficit in the relationship that he has built with Josh and I. It seems like he is a different person altogether in the orphanage. Also pray for Ruslan and Andrey as they say good-bye to their friends in Ukraine. Although they are ready to come to America, this will be an enormous loss in many ways. Loss of friends, loss of country, loss of language, loss of culture, etc. Also pray for Josh as he struggles through more time away from home and his family. I love to look at this picture (taken in the courtroom just after we passed). But it seems incomplete. I am ready for our family of six to become a reality. Thank you for your encouragement and prayers.

Losing It

"Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." -Matthew 10:39

In the past three weeks, I cannot tell you how many times I've thought, "This canNOT be my life." It looks nothing like my life. My life is easy- lazy, even. I have two boys that I love to complain about who have really never given me even an ounce of trouble. I have "struggled" through almost 14 years of marriage to a man who truly loves me and gets me, even when I think he doesn't. I have a "small" house that "needs" redecorating. I have "so much to complain about." If this was MY life, it would look a lot different today. I would be sitting in my comfortable home, newly remodeled with that extra bathroom and bigger kitchen that I really "need." I would have independent children with a mute button, dressed like an add for the GAP. My husband would live to please only me and would never become irritated with my little habbits. My life sounds pretty great.

But the thing is, it's NOT my life. It hasn't been for awhile. God first laid claim to it when I was 12 years old, I just didn't fully acknowledge his claim. The deed to my life said, "Property of Jehovah", but my heart said, "You can have this one room- leave the rest for me." Then over the past 22 years, my "land Lord" slowly revealed to me the mildew under the carpets I'd laid in the rest of the place. He showed me the layers of dust, the chipping paint on the walls, the rust in my soul. At first, it was easy to "clean up" for Him when I allowed Him to visit, but then His visits became longer...and more awkward. I couldn't let Him stay in my life...not this life...not the one I had built. I finally knew what He meant to me- the multitude of sins He had erased. I had to remodel.

When He showed me the plan He had for "my" life, I asked for an easier draft. But the Great Architect rejected my proposal and I had a choice to make.

I remember sitting in my bedroom, talking on the phone to Josh, shaking all over. "Can we really do this? Can we really adopt them?" I remember making excuses- maybe even looking for them. "They probably don't even WANT to be adopted. We'll ask- and then at least they'll know they were wanted." Even putting one toe into His life made me uncomfortable. How in the world could I actually live there? But once I put a toe in, it was difficult to pull that toe back out- because the thing was, that while it was uncomfortable, the chill that ran from my toe up my leg and into my heart woke me up. I had been sleeping in my comfortable life. And once I woke up, I never wanted to sleep again. Everything was in color for the first time in years. I knew that what God was asking of us would be extremely difficult- and Satan loved to use my overwhelming anxiety to remind me of that daily; through dreams, through thoughts, even through well meaning people- but I also knew what He promised me in Matthew chapter 10 verse 39...and it sounded great! Maybe that wasn't my life at all. Maybe it was a cheap knock off! Maybe if I could ditch it, I would find a life I never knew I needed.

So when I stood there before the judge, listening to the translator ask us why such a young couple would want to adopt two teenage boys, all I could think was, "I don't know! I must be losing it!....and it feels great!"

Josh answered most of the judge's questions. Then she asked me to stand. "What do you have to add, as a mother." the translator explained. "We are aware of their ages, but this is not a matter for the head- it is a matter for the heart. We did not come to adopt just any children, we came to adopt these children. We love them." Big tears welled up in my eyes, as I felt their eyes on me. I don't have to wonder how it feels to be chosen. I already know. God pursued me in the same way. It doesn't make sense. It wasn't easy. But that's how He loves.

By the way, we passed court. Our new sons will be able to come home sometime before January 20. No definite travel plans for them yet, as there is a 10 day waiting period and then US embassy requirements. I, however, am on my way home tomorrow. I can hardly wait to embrace my American babies. I may never let them go. Although it has been incredibly difficult to be apart, because it was His life and not my own, every last detail has been taken care of. Even the difficult times are building character in us all. I rest in that. Although we are sure to face difficult times ahead, we know whose life we're living in and that renews my faith in this process.