Losing It

"Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." -Matthew 10:39

In the past three weeks, I cannot tell you how many times I've thought, "This canNOT be my life." It looks nothing like my life. My life is easy- lazy, even. I have two boys that I love to complain about who have really never given me even an ounce of trouble. I have "struggled" through almost 14 years of marriage to a man who truly loves me and gets me, even when I think he doesn't. I have a "small" house that "needs" redecorating. I have "so much to complain about." If this was MY life, it would look a lot different today. I would be sitting in my comfortable home, newly remodeled with that extra bathroom and bigger kitchen that I really "need." I would have independent children with a mute button, dressed like an add for the GAP. My husband would live to please only me and would never become irritated with my little habbits. My life sounds pretty great.

But the thing is, it's NOT my life. It hasn't been for awhile. God first laid claim to it when I was 12 years old, I just didn't fully acknowledge his claim. The deed to my life said, "Property of Jehovah", but my heart said, "You can have this one room- leave the rest for me." Then over the past 22 years, my "land Lord" slowly revealed to me the mildew under the carpets I'd laid in the rest of the place. He showed me the layers of dust, the chipping paint on the walls, the rust in my soul. At first, it was easy to "clean up" for Him when I allowed Him to visit, but then His visits became longer...and more awkward. I couldn't let Him stay in my life...not this life...not the one I had built. I finally knew what He meant to me- the multitude of sins He had erased. I had to remodel.

When He showed me the plan He had for "my" life, I asked for an easier draft. But the Great Architect rejected my proposal and I had a choice to make.

I remember sitting in my bedroom, talking on the phone to Josh, shaking all over. "Can we really do this? Can we really adopt them?" I remember making excuses- maybe even looking for them. "They probably don't even WANT to be adopted. We'll ask- and then at least they'll know they were wanted." Even putting one toe into His life made me uncomfortable. How in the world could I actually live there? But once I put a toe in, it was difficult to pull that toe back out- because the thing was, that while it was uncomfortable, the chill that ran from my toe up my leg and into my heart woke me up. I had been sleeping in my comfortable life. And once I woke up, I never wanted to sleep again. Everything was in color for the first time in years. I knew that what God was asking of us would be extremely difficult- and Satan loved to use my overwhelming anxiety to remind me of that daily; through dreams, through thoughts, even through well meaning people- but I also knew what He promised me in Matthew chapter 10 verse 39...and it sounded great! Maybe that wasn't my life at all. Maybe it was a cheap knock off! Maybe if I could ditch it, I would find a life I never knew I needed.

So when I stood there before the judge, listening to the translator ask us why such a young couple would want to adopt two teenage boys, all I could think was, "I don't know! I must be losing it!....and it feels great!"

Josh answered most of the judge's questions. Then she asked me to stand. "What do you have to add, as a mother." the translator explained. "We are aware of their ages, but this is not a matter for the head- it is a matter for the heart. We did not come to adopt just any children, we came to adopt these children. We love them." Big tears welled up in my eyes, as I felt their eyes on me. I don't have to wonder how it feels to be chosen. I already know. God pursued me in the same way. It doesn't make sense. It wasn't easy. But that's how He loves.

By the way, we passed court. Our new sons will be able to come home sometime before January 20. No definite travel plans for them yet, as there is a 10 day waiting period and then US embassy requirements. I, however, am on my way home tomorrow. I can hardly wait to embrace my American babies. I may never let them go. Although it has been incredibly difficult to be apart, because it was His life and not my own, every last detail has been taken care of. Even the difficult times are building character in us all. I rest in that. Although we are sure to face difficult times ahead, we know whose life we're living in and that renews my faith in this process.