I wish...

This post is from my heart to yours if you have a lop-sided marriage-heart for adoption. Several years ago, I had two little boys and my heart was content. Then, a friend of mine announced they were adopting three children from Uganda. She sent an email with their photo. I remember staring at it for a long time. I also remember thinking, "I wish we could adopt a child someday." I thought "wish", because I never imagined in a million years that it would be possible. You see, there was no way my husband would ever go for that...

I'm sad to say that it was not then that I began to petition God to change my husband's heart. I said a prayer or two, but quickly decided on my own that there was nothing to be done. How small my God was in my heart!

Years later, it was my husband who said we should sponsor a child in Ukraine. It was my husband who said we should fly across the world with our boys to help at camp in Ukraine. It was my husband who first said aloud the words I had whispered in my heart all those years ago: "I wish..." However, it seemed that he was worshiping the same small God that I had spoken to all those years ago. "I wish" was followed very quickly by a large BUT. The but was made of money...money and fear.

Every night of camp, I went to bed in tears. My heart began to ache. The day that Ruslan and Andrey were leaving camp, God moved in my heart. I felt called to write Ruslan a letter- a letter from my heart. Fear spoke to me. "This is not your child. He will not care what you have to say. It makes him no difference. Just let him go." Now, those of you who really know me know that I listen to fear like a teenager listens to their ipod- too loud and too often. But on that day, my God was just a little bigger than He had been before. He had flown me around the world. He had caused my husband to "wish". He had broken my heart. I got up early to make breakfast that morning. I sat on the edge of my bunk bed and began to write a letter. I wish I had it still. I know I said things like, "Keep God in the center of all that you do." and "You have so much potential." and "I know God has big things in store for you." I wrote through tears. I folded it up and put it in my back pocket. Fear whispered again. "Okay, you have it...but you're not going to give it to him. You know you won't." After breakfast that morning, I found the nerve to give it to the translator. I asked him to read it to Ruslan on the train ride home. This was definitely cheating. I was dodging the task. God wasn't havin' it. The translator went and got Ruslan. He translated it on the spot, right in front of me. Ruslan replied, "Thank you for loving me." We exchanged a hug. I walked back to the cabin in tears. I would never see this young man again for whom I cared so much, in whom I saw so much potential. I remember saying good-bye to the boys. Andrey, who rarely smiled all week, gave a big grin. I remember thinking, "That little toot! I've been trying to get him to smile all week and now he smiles? When they're leaving?" After hugs and good-byes, Levi ran back to the cabin, crying. Noah followed shortly thereafter.

God is funny. Had you asked me that day if we would ever consider adopting these boys, I would've said no. My heart for them was soft, but my fear of bringing teenagers into my home was much, much bigger.

Returning to America was not easy. The tears continued to fall each night. Tears for each of the kids we met. Tears for their past, for their present, and for their future. My prayers for adoption were constant. "Turn my husband's heart, God...(but only for babies...only for toddlers or babies...)" We began to encounter other families who were in the process of adopting from Haiti and Ethiopia. We attended benefits for them. My husband stood firm. He was resistant. And I was...submissive...surprisingly. (this is not my forte) My heart continued to ache. It ached to the point that it affected me physically. My hair was falling out. My hormones were going nuts. More migraines than before. I was falling apart. All the while, I prayed. It was during church that he passed me this note. "I think we should pursue it." I will never forget the peace that flooded my soul.



Although we were allowing God to lead us, fear was definitely a co-pilot. When we found out about a program through my husband's tribe that would allow us to adopt a child/children at no expense to us, that was the route my husband chose. I still had an ache for the children of Ukraine, but I was submissive. We completed the paperwork quickly. We had our home study. We took the classes. We had chosen to adopt a girl, ages 0-3 yrs. That's when the letters from Ruslan began to take a turn. His behavior was not good. His grades were dropping. His letters were of great concern to me because this was a GOOD kid. This was not in line with the child we met.

It was Josh who said it. "I wish we could've adopted them." Submissively, but not passively, I replied, "Well...we COULD have..." It was less than 24 hours later that Josh had spoken with our missionary friend in Ukraine about the situation. I could hardly speak about it. I could hardly believe he was considering this. My body would shake every time I imagined what that might be like. And what about our little girl? We both wanted that...but this felt urgent. And by the way, WHO WAS THIS MAN I WAS MARRIED TO? And who was this God who was leading him? This God was so big, I couldn't wrap my mind around what he was asking of us! It was not within my parenthesized request.

This post is from my heart to yours if you have a lop-sided marriage-heart for adoption. Several years ago, I had two little boys and my heart was content. Now I serve an enormous God, am married to a faithful man and am patiently waiting for my teenage sons to come home from Ukraine. I am prepared for whatever challenges we will face as a family because I serve an AMAZING God, who is more than capable of handling it all! Is adoption for everyone? No. But if you have felt the calling, get on your knees and don't get up again until you can stand in awe of what He has done in your life. Not only did God turn my husband's heart, he turned my own in a direction that I never expected! Be careful what you wish for...