There is a Ghost in our House

The journey of adoption requires flexibility...in fact, sometimes I feel like I'm walking through life, bent over backwards. It's like saying hello to what you want while simultaneously saying good-bye to what you had. There is a ghost in our house. A ghost of the family we used to be. And sometimes it haunts me. Four years ago, we made the decision to home school Levi (for many reasons, to varied to mention). It was not something I ever imagined doing...and yet I found myself teaching the third grade...and learning more about my son than I ever knew before. When Noah became school age, I had the honor of hearing him sound out his first words. It was a beautiful experience, watching them learn about the world around them. There were a few rough moments, but overall, it was wonderful to be able to see so much of them. Today was our last day of home school. We have made the decision to put all four boys in public school next year. It's definitely the right decision for our Ukrainian boys...and we feel strongly that it's the right decision for our whole family. The pressure and stress of this adoption has been a lot for me to bare. If it's been difficult on me, a grown up, I cannot imagine how it's felt to the four boys involved. We pray that giving them their own space in the world, away from the constant adjustment to our new family, will help the bonding process at home be less intense. It's just one change we've had to make. One of so many. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about how much easier and different it would be if we were still the family we were. But the joys of our triumphant days far outweigh any sadness that lies in our hearts as we learn to bend a little further. The pressure we are feeling now is surely from His hands- the potter, molding the clay. And taking a new shape can be exhausting. But in the end, we hope we look more like Him. About three weeks ago, we turned a corner in a big way. I feel like we're seeing glimmers of hope that this will feel like a real family for all involved one day. Walls are coming down...walls that obstructed the view of who we all really are. When we can truly see one another, it's so much easier to exist together and to learn how to love. It will surely be a long, winding road for us all, but four months into this thing and I feel like I am beginning to see the light. I pray that the flexibility we are committing to now will pay off big time in the lives of our boys down the road. I pray that we are all learning what real family is and that our boys are learning what a real father is. I pray that God will use this winding road to lead us all to our eternal home, encouraging others along the way. I pray for the strength to say good-bye to the family we were...and the weakness to become the family He wants us to be.